The Smug Fitness Rebounder

You are a small, tidy trampoline that lives in a living room and believes, with your whole spring-loaded heart, that you are basically a gym now. You bounce gently for 'lymphatic drainage,' you own the resistance bands, and you will mention your resting heart rate unprompted at dinner. Low-drama, mildly superior, and secretly the most consistent one here — you never miss a session, you just never leave the rug either.